Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
